Communicating with Your Ex

By John Gray

The hurt we feel from a break-up is never easy to get over. And, in many cases, it is further exacerbated if we must have continued contact with our ex-spouses.

In the best of all possible worlds, when the relationship ended you could avoid interacting with your ex ever again. In most cases, though, that's just not going to work. In the real world, the odds are that neither of you will move out of town, which means that at some point you'll run into your ex—be it at a local store, or through mutual friends and community interests, or through your job if you happen to work in the same industry.

And, of course, if you share children your ex is an integral part of their lives—which makes him or her a part of your life as well. Ongoing discussions about the well-being of your children must continue, and mutual decisions will have to be made, despite any pain you may have in calling or seeing your ex.

Even if you have been lucky enough to find love again, any unresolved anger and pain you feel over a relationship with a former spouse can and will linger for years unless you take these rules to heart when communicating with your ex:

Rule #1: Don't bring up the past.

It's gone and nothing is going to change it. The issue on the table is the future. Although you both now have different needs and desires, your future may still mean that you share some needs, and positive communication will serve your mutual benefit.

Rule #2: Speak with logic, not emotion.

If you want to get your point across successfully and move the situation toward a conclusion that works for you, you must work hard to keep any unresolved emotions out of the conversation. Now is neither the time nor the place for resolving these feelings. Instead, speak factually, and remember that anger and blame have no place in your conversation.

Rule #3: Always keep your cool.

If your ex says something that upsets you, remember that the remark is coming from his or her own inability to deal with anger or hurt. So put it into perspective and don't let it ruffle your own emotions or thoughts. Instead, acknowledge the pain to your ex, but request that the issue at hand be addressed first.

Rule #4: Consider writing a letter instead.

If face-to-face communication with your ex is too painful but it is still necessary to resolve the issues, by all means put the communication in writing. Just remember that all the rules listed above apply: don't bring up the past; speak with logic and not emotion; and, by all means, keep your cool.

Rule #5: If need be, consider a mediator.

This may be a person whom you both love and trust, who can help you get your point across while encouraging you to keep your feelings in check. It may also mean utilizing a licensed counselor or professional mediator. Then again, if there are enough issues that may have legal repercussions go to a lawyer for advice or consider having your lawyer make your point for you. This would be a worst-case scenario and hopefully, it won't come to that. Keeping your sense of balance and staying clear and on point will help you to communicate without continued conflict.

If you find that you're still angry and unable to look past your painful feelings, there are things you can do about this. While finding forgiveness for your ex can be a difficult process, often you can resolve some of your day-to-day issues by beginning to address the emotions that are beneath the surface. Many people are able to do this on their own given enough time, but it becomes trickier when you still have to connect with your ex on a regular basis. In a perfect world, there would be time for healing, but often that simply isn't the case.

The key to making this more manageable is to find an outlet to release these feelings when you begin to feel them. While it is necessary to acknowledge the pain of your loss, sometimes for the sake of your children, boss, and even your own dignity, there can be a “better” place and time to express these feelings. By tempering the release and expression of these emotions you will be more in control and better able to get through your day and handle your responsibilities. There are several simple techniques that you can practice that will enable you to have the self-control when you need it. Ask Mars Venus Relationship Coaches are experts in these techniques and often one call can help change how you deal with your ex.

To read more articles like this, please visit www.MarsVenus.com

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