How to help your children survive your divorce

By Elizabeth Connick

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events anyone can experience. But as difficult as it is for the couple involved, it can be even more upsetting for the children of the marriage. Children are often aware that there are problems in their parents' relationship, but that doesn't necessarily make a divorce easier to accept.

Children may react in a variety of ways, even within the same family. Despite the fact that you are probably going through a great deal of turbulence yourself, it is important that you help your children and minimize the trauma for them.

How to Begin

Before any major changes begin, sit down with your children and discuss your plans. If possible, both parents should participate in this conversation.

Be honest with your children about what is happening and what to expect.

Keep things as civilized as possible between you and your spouse, especially when explaining the reasons for the decision to separate.

Assure your children that you both still love them and will continue to love them, regardless of what has happened to the marriage.

Make sure your children understand that the problems in the marriage are not their fault, nor are the problems their responsibility to resolve.

As much as possible, let them know what to expect about the changes to come (new living arrangements, changes in home or school, etc.).

Be sure they know you are available to comfort and support them whenever they need you.

What Next?

As the process of uprooting your life continues, you will be going though a lot of changes. You can expect to feel anger, fear, confusion, frustration, depression, and other unpleasant emotions. You may also find dealing with the practical issues, such as work, housing, money, and relating to family and friends will become overwhelming from time to time. Your children will be having many of the same upheavals. Regardless of how turbulent your marriage may have been, your children are still going to be shocked when you make the decision to divorce. It is important that you stay as centered as possible so that you can help your children to cope with their problems.

Anger is a very common reaction for children to have, often repeatedly or over a period of time. Allow them to express their anger. Even if it is directed at you, try to remain calm and not take it personally.

As tempting as it is, resist the urge to criticize your spouse to, or in front of, your children.

Be patient.

Children will inevitably feel anxious and sad about all the changes happening in their lives. Even if the changes are kept to a minimum (the same home, the same school, etc.), their lives have changed in a profound way and their sense of security has been affected.

Keep assuring your children that you love them, your spouse loves them, and regardless what else changes, this will not.

Listen to their fears and concerns, regardless of how often you may hear them.

Children often look for ways to “fix� the marriage. Continue to tell them that what happened wasn't in any way their fault, nor is it something they can make better.

Try to keep their lives as stable as possible, minimizing changes if possible and maintaining some sort of routine and structure.

Give them the opportunity to express their grief and listen to them. This may be especially difficult as you are probably going through a grieving process yourself, but it is important for the children to have someone to share these feelings with, either you or a close friend or family member.

Reassure them that these feelings will diminish over time.

Again, be patient!

It is very important to maintain a civil relationship with your soon-to-be-ex spouse. Remember that you are only divorcing each other, not your children and that, like it or not, you will have to share information, decisions and events in your children's lives for years to come. It will be much easier for both you and your children if you find a way to a civil parental relationship.

Red Flags

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your children need more help than you can give. Some signs to watch for:

Changes in behavior. A previously tidy child becomes unkempt and disorderly. Or conversely, yesterday's slob has become very neat and orderly (This is an indicator that the child may feel that his/her behavior is the cause of the divorce and that if he/she is “good�, you will reconcile.)

Extended changes in behavior at school. Your child's grades drop dramatically or he/she becomes a discipline problem. The key word in determining how concerned to be is “extended�. It is not unusual to see some reflection of the home situation in a child's school performance. It's probably a good idea to give teachers of younger children (preschool or elementary) a “heads-up� about the changes at home. This will help them to understand and support your child at school.

Sleep Problems. Again, some problems are not unusual. But if your child continues to have problems sleeping, has nightmares, sleeps excessively or returns to bedwetting over an extended period of time, this may indicate something to be concerned about.

Extended signs of depression or anxiety, such as low self-worth, clinginess, new fears of previously safe people and places, withdrawal or loss of concentration.

Extended and/or irrational anger.

In older children, also watch for drug or alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity or self-injury, such as extreme risk-taking, eating disorders or cutting/self-mutilation.

If you observe any of these signs, it might be wise to get the advice and assistance of a professional. Usually with young children a major part of the child psychiatrist/psychologist's role is to advise the parent on how to deal with the problem. In the case of older children, the therapist and work with the child more directly and parental involvement may be less.

Although life may be very challenging right now, it does get easier over time. With help, children can not only survive the divorce, but thrive – and so can you!

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Recommended Reading

Supporting Our Children: Family Impact of Child Maintenance

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Divorce Related Reading

Moving Beyond Adultry and Divorce

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