The Surest Way to Cure a Broken Heart

Why not start- right now -to think of and feel about your ex as you will think of and feel about them in 20 years?

So take some time for yourself. Chances are you're withdrawn and not going out to see people anyway. So go off by yourself, turn off all your telephones and just give yourself some time alone. Turn off the TV.

Turn off the music unless you're playing some soft background music with no words. No radio, just a CD that'll keep repeating a classical symphony or nature sounds.

Turn down the lights. Don't allow any interruptions. Put your feet up and relax . . . but not so much you fall asleep.

Now, think back to your past.

Somewhere in your past you had another failed relationship . . . one you don't care about anymore. One that has no emotional effect on you anymore except that you remember the good times (if any).

Maybe it was having a crush on the cutest girl in your fifth grade class. Maybe it was the boy who broke up with you in middle school. Maybe it was that long high school romance that ended after you both went away to different colleges.

Whatever.

Whether it was 10 months ago, 10 or 20 years ago.

Think back and remember...

How did it feel to be in love back then? Of course it was real love. It felt real, didn't it? Remember the times you shared together (if any). Or just remember how it felt to be so passionate, to want somebody so much, maybe for the first time. What a surprise that a girl or a boy could suddenly look so wonderful.

Then remember the breakup or the disappointment. The realization they would never love you in return as you loved them. Or how another boy or girl caught your eye. Or how another boy or girl caught their eye . . . and the pain that caused you.

Maybe the end of the relationship or the feeling affected you dramatically. Maybe you were one of those who felt the world was going to end because you couldn't have your true love. Maybe you soon got caught up in the rest of life with your family, friends and other loved ones...

Everybody's story is different. Almost everybody has felt the pain of unfulfilled desire . . . and suffered through it.

Even if this current one is your first relationship to end, just remember some good time you used to have that you lost and which you've recovered from.

So... remember the pain you felt in the past and then think about the time that has passed between then and now. You had friends to play games with and go to parties with. You had the love of your family. You had to go to school. You had to go to work.

Since that early love and loss, you've had many good times and bad times totally unconnected with that early love. Friendships and other lovers. You've probably gone to distant places and watched many movies.. You've been sick. You've applied for jobs and been turned down.

Sometime, while you were living through those years, you stopped thinking about that early pain and it became just a part of your past. Maybe a cherished part of your past. Maybe a part of your past you barely remember because your more recent activities are more important.

Think deeply about how it feels now to have a memory of a love that once brought you happiness and desire . . . and which is now at best only a fond memory.

How does that other person look to you in your memory? How do they sound? How do they feel to you?

Now, leave the past, skip over the present . . . and jump into the future.

Pretend it's 20 years from now and you're doing this same meditation on your current ex.

Pretending as though you're 20 years older, think back to this recent relationship.

Remember the good times fondly but without regret or grief, just like you remember the good times of your childhood.

Remember the break up. Remember the pain. You know it hurt you 20 years ago, but now there is no more than the memory of the pain. Like a broken arm or giving birth. You know it hurt you very badly at the time, but once it's over and done with, it's just a memory.

Now think about all the years that came after this most recent breakup. You don't know specifically what the next 20 years of your life are going to bring you, but you know you're going to have good times and bad times. You're going to go to work. Maybe go to school. You'll have new relationships. Maybe children, or you'll see your children grow up. You'll watch exciting movies. You'll deal with family problems and worry about the state of the world. Maybe you'll get drunk. Maybe you'll survive a car accident.

Feel how your current relationship pain is covered up by the emotions that will come later -- good and bad -- that have nothing whatsoever to do with your current ex.

Continue transferring the inner emotional tone you take for granted about your long ago relationship break up or disappointment to your current one.

See your recent ex the same as you see your long ago ex. Stretch out the fingers of your left hand.

Hear your recent ex the same as you hear your long ago ex. Stretch out the fingers of your left hand.

Feel about your recent ex the same as you feel about your long ago ex. Stretch out the fingers of your left hand.

Feel yourself gradually return to the present moment . . . retaining that same feeling. Keep stretching out the fingers of your left hand.

Remind yourself your recent ex is now no more important to you than your long ago ex.

Think about running into your ex tomorrow night at a party, or work or any other place you might see them. Stretch out the fingers of your left hand. You remember them. You remember the pain you were going through . . . but it just doesn't matter any more. Just as you no longer stress out about the relationship pain you felt 20 years ago.

You're pretending you're seeing your ex tomorrow night . . . but you feel as calm as if you were meeting your ex high school honey tonight at a class reunion. You hope they're doing well. That's it.

Hold on to that feeling.

If you start to feel grief and broken hearted again, stretch out the fingers of your left hand to remind yourself of how good it feels to remember your current ex as though it were 20 years in the future.

In 20 years they're going to be that memory so why not start now?

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Recommended Reading

Recovering from a Broken Heart: A Companion Guide for the Journey from Suffering to Joyful Awareness

Broken Heart: Medical Consequences of Loneliness

Loveshock: How to Survive a Broken Heart (Positive paperbacks)

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