Using the past to begin anew

Instead, utilize what you've learned from the relationship to embrace a new you and a different kind of relationship. Reflect on the past relationship even though it may be painful. What can you learn from it? Take an honest look at what you need to do differently. Instead of berating yourself for making a bad choice, remember that you are not to blame for someone else's bad behavior. You are, however, responsible for what you allow. Most people will unwittingly test the limits to see how far they can go. It is your responsibility to show them.

Keep your eyes open to what is really happening in a relationship. Seeing something negative doesn't mean you have to leave a relationship. It does mean you need to address it and stand firm that you will not tolerate the intolerable. Here are some warnings to heed:

• If family or friends view you as your partner's savior, they have probably committed a lot of sins.
• If your partner lies to others, they will lie to you.
• If he/she is disrespectful to others, they will eventually become disrespectful to you.
• If you find yourself tolerating things you never thought you would tolerate, you are violating your own values and limits of what is acceptable and what is not.
• If you are thinking to yourself “but there are a lot of dysfunctional relationships out there,” or “the pickings are really slim,” you are likely in a troubled relationship.
• If everything negative that has happened to your partner is somebody else's fault, it's probably not true.
• If something has always gotten in the way of your partners success, their actions probably have something to do with it.
• If you are staying in the relationship simply because you are dependent on your partner for whatever reason, it isn't healthy.
• If your partner's gifts carry the expectation of anything other than appreciation, it's not really a gift.
• If what he/she tells you doesn't add up, vital pieces of information are likely missing.
• If you make excuses to yourself or others for their bad behavior, you are feeling ashamed when he/she is behaving shamelessly.
• If your partner doesn't accept responsibility for their behaviors in prior relationships, they aren't likely to do so in your relationship either.
• If he/she has been unfaithful to others, they will likely be unfaithful to you.
• If your partner uses the information you've confided in them against you, it's a huge betrayal.
• If he/she isn't ready to commit, they may never be ready.

Add whatever pearls of wisdom that you have gathered from your own relationships to the list. Remember them as you open your heart to love again.

In the midst of writing this article, I ironically happened upon an article by an author named Rick Bragg who told of badgering his mother to tell him one good thing about his alcoholic, abusive father. Finally, she began to share. The disclosure that struck my heart the most was that his father once bought a fast car so he could reach his mother more quickly and spend more time before he had to leave her. How could she not have loved him? I doubt she ever dreamed that someone so adoring would eventually treat her so despicably. There are reasons you fall in love. Just as you remember why you had to leave a relationship, it is important to recall why you came to it. And it is the totality of the memories that will keep you sane.

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Recommended Reading

Positive Solitude: A Practical Program for Mastering Loneliness and Achieving Self-Fulfillment

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