When Your Ex Finds New Love

By John Gray

How do you cope with your ex finding a new partner when you're still alone?

You just got the news from a trusted source: your ex has a new significant other and the two of them are quite an "item" among your circle of friends.

It's understandable that, upon hearing this news, many emotions would arise: sadness, bitterness, and, of course, jealousy. After all, what right has your ex to find happiness with another person before you are able to accomplish that for yourself? And does his or her ability to be happy with someone else mean that your marriage failed because you were the "bad" partner in the relationship?

Everyone—including your ex—should have a second chance at a successful relationship. Does that mean that this current partnership will be that opportunity? Not necessarily. If your ex has not yet addressed the issues that affected your marriage, these same concerns may stand in the way of any future happiness in a relationship.

As to whether their happiness reflects on your divorce, remember this: people form relationships for different reasons at different times in their lives. The reasons you and your ex were attracted to each other, thought through any initial concerns, agreed to exclusivity in your relationship, formed an intimate bond, and later committed to marriage, may be irrelevant to the needs and desires you both have today. Whatever tore you apart may have torn any relationship asunder. All you can do is try your best under the circumstances given to you at the time. If you can say you did that, then don't feel you failed yourself or the relationship.

Now it's time to put this new development into perspective: does your ex's new relationship really affect you? Yes, but for the better. Here are four reasons why:

Reason #1: It allows for another kind of closure. Whether you or your ex gets involved first with someone else doesn't really matter. What does matter, however, is that both of you recognize the reality that there is no going back to what was, only moving forward to what will be.

Reason #2: Your friends are your friends regardless of what happens to your ex. Accepting your ex's new situation does not mean that your friends are also rejecting you. True friends will immediately recognize your need for special support and be there to provide it. They will also be fair in how they treat you both, which is why you love them in the first place.

Reason #3: It frees you from any emotional obligations you may have felt toward your ex. If you hesitated getting involved with someone because of any guilt you felt over the divorce, you can now put that aside and move on to the next phase of your life.

Reason #4: You can now focus on what you can do to make yourself emotionally prepared for your next relationship, as opposed to fixating on the issues leading to your breakup. You are not a victim. You are a strong, vital human being with a lot to offer the right person. Don't ever doubt that. Instead, look forward with the knowledge that everything you want is within your grasp, and you have all the support you need to go out and get it.

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