Coping with an Affair

Affairs can be exhilarating, exciting, passionate and romantic. They can also - more commonly - be damaging, destructive, cruel, painful, time wasting and demeaning.

But what is an affair? Well, what it's NOT a drunken fumble at the firm's Christmas party. It isn't a one-night stand either. Neither is it a romance between two people who are both free of other entanglements.

An affair is a sexual relationship that lasts more than one night where at least one of the lovers is publicly committed to someone else.

And, sadly, affairs inevitably hurt someone and frequently they hurt all the parties involved including children, if there are any. Some affairs of course end happily for the couple - let's face it, plenty of good second marriages began as illicit romances - but the vast majority of extra-marital liaisons don't end in a new marriage or relationship. In fact I estimate that at least 80 per cent end up unhappily and cause misery all round. So starting an affair is not a brilliant step to take - and yet people do it all the time.

It's quite common for folk caught up in affairs to ask agony aunts like me whether affairs can 'help a marriage'. They also ask if affairs can be 'harmless,' or 'just a bit of fun'.

And often, especially at Christmas time, a single person who is romantically involved with a married one will ask if I think that his or her lover will ever leave home. Frequently in such situations single people feel quite desperate that yet another year has gone by in which they've had to live a lie and in which they've had to spend another birthday or Christmas or New Year alone. People also ask for advice about whether or not to leave a hopeless marriage and start again with someone they love. And worried spouses frequently ask agony aunts how to tell if a partner is being unfaithful.

So, let's look at these different problems and questions one by one.

Can affairs help a marriage?
Mostly, no. People ask this question to justify what is happening in their lives. But in my experience an affair only helps a marriage in two situations:

1. where one person in the marriage hates sex and is relieved that the partner gets sexual satisfaction elsewhere. So, a blind eye is turned and as long as the affair doesn't get too emotional, the marriage - such as it is - is preserved.
2. when a married person has a fling with someone but learns through that experience that he or she is still in love with the marital partner and is far better off at home. In this situation the marriage can be strengthened, but only so long as the innocent party has no idea that the affair took place. If the wandering partner feels the need to confess, he or she should confide in a priest, doctor or counsellor. Off-loading guilt on a spouse will not help anyone and may even precipitate the end of the marriage after all.

Can affairs be harmless, or a bit of fun?
The early days of an affair are usually all about illicit excitement and sex. And it's quite common for the participants to believe that they can control what's happening and just have a harmless bit of fun.

Unfortunately, 99 times out of 100, one of the lovers begins to want something more. Minds get involved as well as genitals. Love develops out of sex. And people start to want more time together, enjoy more companionship together and, frequently, a future.

Relationships don't stand still. People having affairs learn this the hard way every day. And life gets more and more complicated and painful as a result.

Will my lover leave home for me?
The short answer is that it's not at all likely. Indeed some experts believe that if a married lover fails to make plans to leave home within the first three months of an affair then he or she will never leave.

Whether or not this is 100 per cent true, it's certainly apparent that if an affair goes on for a long time - and sometimes they go on for 20 years or more - then the outcome is bleak. When women find themselves in long-term affairs of this kind with a married man, they often sacrifice their friends, their family and their chance of marriage and motherhood. When they're young they say they do this willingly, but they become very sad and often bitter in the end.

The harsh truth is that even if a married lover DOES eventually leave his wife, or even if that wife actually dies, the man will usually take up with someone new instead of marrying his long-term mistress.

Now that women have careers and reliable contraception they, too, start affairs when their marriages go stale. So nowadays there are plenty of single male lovers hanging on and hoping that their married lovers will leave home. But the chances of a happy future are no better for them than they are for women in a similar position.

So what can you do if you're having an affair with a married lover and you know the situation is hopeless, but you still haven't the strength to break away?

However, something interesting will happen after you ask yourself this question. For the first time, maybe for years, you will have put yourself in control of the situation. You will be able to say that you have CHOSEN to be in the relationship - for now. And that's very significant.

You see, often in these situations we say that we're powerless to deal with them. We claim that we've been swept away and that everything is beyond our control. But this isn't the case for you. You've asked yourself if you want to be in the relationship more than you want to be without it and you have said 'yes'. You've made a decision. You've taken control.

Interestingly, now you have taken responsibility for the affair, you may feel you can start to take control in other ways. Maybe you'll stop hanging around all the time, just in case your lover happens by. Maybe you'll choose to see more of your friends. Maybe you'll start questioning whether you're being properly appreciated in this relationship and whether or not you deserve something rather better.

Just see where your thoughts take you.

Then, one month after you first asked yourself the question about whether or not you still want to be in the relationship, you should ask it of yourself again. And carry on doing this every month, without fail.

My experience is that once people take responsibility for the predicament that they're in, they start looking at it more carefully and they often realise that they don't like what they see. And one day when they ask the question, they are able to say: 'NO. I DON'T want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it.' And then they can move on.

Can I leave my unhappy marriage and be happy with my lover?
It's difficult to get out of any marriage. Don't believe anyone who tells you that divorce is easy. It never is.

And, of course, it is much more difficult to leave a marriage, even if it is very unhappy, if your children are still at home.

I honestly believe that any person considering leaving should do everything in his or her power to stay for as long as possible when there are children under the age of about 16 involved. Quite apart from anything else, unless you know you have done everything possible, the guilt you're likely to feel if you leave will almost certainly ruin your new relationship.

So, go to Relate and also talk to your partner. If need be, live more separate lives, but stay under the same roof for as long as you can.

Some people deal with this period in their lives by planning their escape for some years. They train for a new job, or establish a savings account or a separate bank account in preparation.

Finally, when it DOES come to the split, do choose a lawyer from the Solicitors' Family Law Association to handle your affairs. These solicitors are committed to the idea of divorce or separation with as little acrimony as possible.

Leaving one partner and starting afresh with someone else is never easy. But people do it all the time. And quite often everyone, including the children, learn to come to terms with the split eventually. But don't expect to rush it; in most cases it takes years and years.

How can I tell if my partner is having an affair?
The one thing to look for is CHANGE. Everyone having an affair changes in some way. A guy might bathe or shower more often. He may take up running. He may start going to the gym or get himself a fashionable haircut. He may become more romantic within the marriage, or indeed he may become quite callous or indifferent towards you, and he will almost certainly start 'working late' or taking trips abroad on business.

These things on their own do not prove your partner is having an affair, but they are good indicators.

Women also change if they are having an affair. They lose weight. They buy more modern clothes and get new hairstyles. They start 'going for a drink after work' and have more nights out, supposedly with girlfriends. They may take up an evening class. They will frequently buy their live-in partner little loving gifts because they are feeling guilty, and sometimes they become extra keen on sex and become more randy and hot in bed than they have for years.

Again, these things in themselves don't mean for certain that they're being unfaithful, but they certainly show that SOMETHING different is going on and can alert the spouse to a possible affair.

Finally, do remember that affairs tell us something is wrong with the original married or live-in relationship. So, if you discover that your partner is being unfaithful, you'll have a better chance of saving your relationship if you're prepared to accept that at least some of the reasons for your partner's infidelity may be attributable to you.

Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist. (netdoctor.co.uk)